For Drew

Well Drew, I am missing you badly now, reality has finally kicked in. It has been nine months and I have not heard your voice, except for the last message the Sunday before you left us, on the answering machine. Life has not been the same my son. Not the same at all.

We are taking great care of Nekoda, he got a butt full of rat shot for chaising chickens and a good stay at the Wartrace Vet. He is so funny, he reminds me of a cartoon. You could not have picked a more unique dog. I never thought I would have another dog, but he has touched the whole family and we all look out for him. He loves tearing up stuff. I threw Tom's chair out on the patio for room for the Christmas tree. Wow, did he make short work of that. There is foam stuffing all over the neighborhood and then some. I love him dearly, I feel he is the only thing left nearest to you.

It is Christmas and needless to say everyone is thinking about you, I still get messages on Facebook from people missing you. I have made friends with your friends and I wish we could have had more of that when you were alive. You touched so many hearts my man, you would not have believed it if you were here.

I am your mother and I don't think anyone can understand how I feel, and I don't think they can. I set and look at your pictures and I am comforted by them, but also sad. Being selfish, as a mother just wishing I could hug you one more time.

I knew that car would kill you, and I should have said no, when you wanted it. But, you would have just rebelled, and I would never jeopardize our relationship we had, the one and only time I wish I had said "no".

Anyway, I hope and pray you are happy, just one little sign to let me know you are. I just have to believe the Lord for your eternal life now.

But, where ever you are, I feel I will be joining you shortly and that makes me feel better. Jenny and Patrick have a long life to live and remember you, I do feel for them. They loved there little brother, you have no idea.

I love you my sweet, and I can not wait to be with you. Merry Christmas.

Mom.

TRACK 02 What Christmas Means - SNIPPET

TRACK 02 What Christmas Means - SNIPPET

The holidays are going to be pretty tough without my Drew, who was killed in March of this year. Drew your birthday is just a couple of days away and your sister is having you a party, celebrating your life while we had you. Wish you were here, but I guess the Lord needed you more. 

I needed you more. My life will never be the same. I miss you so much my heart is forever broken, and I don't think anything can mend it. I love you my son. The 18 years I had you were amazing and I will never forget you.

Love mom. 

Letters to Drew

Hi Drew:

It's mom again. I just have to write to you, it is good therapy for me. I keep going over in my mind what happened to you that night. I can't process why or how you managed to wreck that car so badly. I knew something was not right two and one half hours before you died something was wrong. When you called me, you told me you loved me three times, and to take care of Nekoda. I came home and told Tom I  fell like I should have made you come home that night.

When I seen you lying on that hospital bed, with just a scratch on your face, I was in dis-belief. We all wanted you to come back so badly. How could you be gone forever, I had just talked to you. It seems to be hurting worse now then it did then.

There are no words to describe the hurt a mother feels when something like this happens. I remembered the night you were born, you looked at me like you knew me. Laying on that hospital bed you looked just like the little boy I gave birth to.

I sometimes wonder where were your guardian angels that night? We are suppose to have angels watching over us, so people say. You looked so peaceful, just like you were asleep. The reel keeps playing in my head over and over. I guess I will always miss you for the rest of the time I have on this earth. I just wanted you with me.

I just did not have enough time with you, it is not fair. How could this happen? Just know that I will always have you in my heart, and I can't wait till we see each other again, and walk on sandy beaches and watch the sunset.

I love you sweetie.

Mom

Time Part II

Let's see, where was I? In the essence of time Psalms 144:4 says, "for they are like a breadth of air; their days are like a passing shadow."  What we take for granted is the time we have on this earth, which is so short. We do not realize how short until the days when we get older and we see those around us starting to perish. That is when reality hits. Am I here for a long time? Sometimes I think I will take after my grandmother who lived to be in her 80's. The thought of that scares me more that if I knew I was leaving this earth tomorrow.

I pray I do not have to endure this earth no longer than needed. I think to myself I still have lots to do. Make scrapbooks for the kids and do my journalism to leave them a legacy. I also have to finish the book I started many years ago. I guess the Lord is not finished with me yet and I respect that. I just do not understand why he took Drew so early. He had plans too.

I know I am not the only one who has lost a child to an untimely death and  yes, I am on a pity party right now. But, I think I am worth that much, the process of grief comes in many forms and does not take place in any order, it just comes.

I can not help but ask myself, did I spend enough time with Drew? Did I do enough things with him? Did I make time for him? I built my world around my children, or I would not be where I am today. I gave up a good career to stay with them when they were little, be there when they got home from school.

But, there is always something to upset the balance of life, and those are the regrets we make for ourselves. People say don't live in the past or you cannot move forward. Well, after 52 years in this world, I think I deserve to live a little in the past right now. I may not stay there forever, but I am going to enjoy it while I can. Reflections when life was so simple and even. Yes, I just want to live in the past for a little while.

Letters to Drew

Dear Drew,

Hey boy this is your mom. I hope and pray you are in the presence of Jesus, with Granny and Pop and you cousin Michael. I miss you sweetie. Oh how I miss you.

I miss going outside on a clear night, like we used to do and gazing at the stars and picking out the constellations, and me telling you about the farm, how you would have loved it there. You love hunting and fishing and the smell of firewood burning. If only you had been born four decades earlier, you would have loved it. I miss telling you about your grandfather and the things he did in the military, that I knew very little of. That is where you got your desire for the army life I guess, you wanted so much to do your part. Sometimes I think maybe you left the earth earlier because of that. I don't think any of us have much longer on earth. You just went before us, and I guess that makes you lucky in a sense.

It sure does not make me feel any better. Remember when I told you if anything happened to you it would be the end of me. Well, I am still hanging in there, for what it is worth, but, life will never be the same for me. I find no joy in life hardly anymore, I don't like to do anything because you are not here to do it with me. I wanted to go to Savannah this fall, that was the last place I took you, when we went to Florida. But, I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Your not here.

I know I need to get over that. I do pray you are in a better place. But, I know how you loved life, and loved your friends. I just wish you could have been here a little longer with me. It seems like we did not get to do enough together. I had to always be studying, and for that I am really having a hard time concentrating in school. I think about you all the time, first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Sometimes I am at peace, and other times I feel like I am losing my mind.

I do hope you are happy Drew, some say you are just sleeping. But, I cannot find anywhere in the Bible where it talks of soul sleeping. I know it is just your body left here on earth, but my child, I wish I could talk to you one more time, just once more to make sure your OK. A mother thing I guess, but if there was one wish that I had, it would be to talk to you one more time.

After all, you here of phenomenal things happening all the time, why can't God grant one wish to grieving mothers? I will never know a lot of things till we can see each other again.

I knew something was up when you told me you met grandma in a beige suit one night in one of your dreams. No one would know that, and you asked me if grandma used to where suits. Then you dreamed of pop, saying he was laughing and shook your hand, asked how the twins were. Wow, that kind of sent chills down my back.

Anyway, I love you son, no matter what. I will never ever forget you.

Mom

LIFE IS LIKE A FLEETING MOMENT

When I think about the time we have here on this earth, it is like a fleeting moment.  I think the Lord says that in the Bible somewhere. Something I need to get back to reading, by the way. But, the test of time has taken over. 

It seems just like yesterday that the kids were all small, going to school. Coming home from school, fixing dinner and homework, laundry and bedtime stories. Life seemed chaotic at that moment, but now when I look back it was the best time of my life. And, Lord, I do wish I could go back.

My Drew would be alive, and everything would be OK. I cannot imagine the rest of my life without him, and there is nothing I can do about it. I can not bring him back, I can't take it back, the rest of my life just seems meaningless.

I here so many people say that God took their children away from them. It is easy to blame God for every little thing that is disappointing in our life, but this is devastating. Something that changes your life forever, just like when you planned to have children, you knew your life would never be the same, so is it when a parent has to bury one of their own.. It is not suppose to be like that. Parents are suppose to go first. How did I know, how did my perception be so keen? I knew he would not be with me long the day he was born.

And, it is not God's fault, that would make him an unloving, uncaring God. It does say in the Bible that He is a very jealous and vengeful God, but that is old testament. 

The evil one is what took my son's life so suddenly and so swiftly, not God. I did not pray the blood of Jesus over him that night. I don' think. Either way, the loss of a child is the worse thing a parent can ever experience I think. Some say there are worse things than death, and I cannot think of anything that is worse that having a child for 18 years, and then having them be snatched away so suddenly.

Now, I get to wonder what he would have looked like five, ten years from now. I will never see his children, (my grandchildren) and he wanted four.

Yea, I feel cheated. But, whose fault is it? Is it mine for not putting my foot down enough? Did I speak this into existence? Is that how it works? 

Maybe the Lord will give me some answers in due time, that is all I have to hang on to, is time. Whether it be short or long. Time is what you make of it, don't take it for granted, you never know when time will be the end.