Letters to Drew

Well my love, I have not written to you in a long time, I need to fill you in on all the stuff happening around here.  As you see, we have a new member of the family, his name is Oliver.  He is just the most hansom kitten you ever seen.  He keeps my mind busy.

I have been thinking about you a lot lately, it has already been too long for you to be gone, I miss you so much.  Now, we have to endure the holidays again without you, but it is better now.  I hope you have a better life than the one you had here.  And, I know deep down you do.  I just sure wish you could visit just once, to let me know what it is like.

Patrick bought a new car and is very happy with it, he is doing well in teaching, Jenny hardly comes around, but I know she takes good care of your grave, she misses you so much, feeling like it is her fault you found that car.

I have come to realize that God had bigger plans for you, as I hope he does for me, leaving me behind in this cruel and getting crueler world.  

I am finally doing my internship with a wonderful doctor.  I think I will learn a lot from him.  Hopefully be able to open my own business in counseling someday. 

My dear sweet Drew, you were such a inspiration to so many, I hope and pray for you everyday that you are happy and in the Arms of Jesus.

It is not you that hurts anymore, it is the ones you have left behind and we will never ever forget you till we meet once again.  This is what I hope to achieve in counseling others who hurt for loved ones they have lost too soon in life.  We can't understand, all there is, is hope that keeps us going.

I love you my son. 
Mom

Time for Drew

Strange as it may seem, I feel like I have been through a time machine.  Life has went by so fast it can be amazing.  Drew, we will have been without you going on two years now, since you went away time has flown.  I still keep looking for your truck to pull in the driveway, but that is not going to happen is it? 

Out of all the loneliness and tears, there has been some good come out of all this.  A new baby born after your namesake, a new family and God's blessings of friends and family healing and going on with their lives.  That's it my love, just going on. 

It is so hard to explain to someone so young that their lives and situations are very temporary, things come and go and before you know it you have been through a whole lifetime of ups and downs and all around. 

Now, as I look to the past I am amazed of how fast life has swept by.  I think about the farm, my mom and dad.  Especially daddy's wisdom of hearing him say "it is only a temporary thing hon," to my mom at times.  Lots of times it does not feel that way, when you are struggling and going through hard times, trying to make ends meet and raising a family.  I think that most of the time we take life for granite so much and get caught up in our own selfishness we don't realize the blessings around us. 

How easy it is too, to get so caught up in life you forget all that you ever wanted with dreams and aspirations of what used to be.  I thank God for the farm I was raised on and the parents I had.  To think we had it so easy then, or so it seemed.

Every time I turn around things are getting more expensive, less obtainable and more contaminated.  To think all of that was so assessable from the life I once lived. 

Cat litter was free, all we had to do was go to the wood shed and gather all the shavings you wanted, now for the same thing in a store you are spending a fortune.  The sunshine was free, now we can not even get in the sun for the holes in the atmosphere.  Food was free in the gardens and the animals we raised.  So blessed was I to have all of those things.  Believe it or not, I almost wish that all we had to keep up with was paper, pencil and a book.  Now, you have a cord for every device to charge it with, and you can never rely on the mechanics of man made devices.  

Now, I know I can never go back to that place in time, and I so regret not making the time to show you where I was raised, and for that I feel I have let you down.  

We as humans are selfish and greedy not giving anyone even our time to listen, and I don't want to be that kind of person.  I want to give freely of my time to others, and we know to survive we find it difficult to do.  Never again am I going to take this bit of life I have left for granted anymore.  I may be poor for the rest of my life, but in other ways I will be rich.

I miss you my love,
Mom

For Drew

Well Drew, I am missing you badly now, reality has finally kicked in. It has been nine months and I have not heard your voice, except for the last message the Sunday before you left us, on the answering machine. Life has not been the same my son. Not the same at all.

We are taking great care of Nekoda, he got a butt full of rat shot for chaising chickens and a good stay at the Wartrace Vet. He is so funny, he reminds me of a cartoon. You could not have picked a more unique dog. I never thought I would have another dog, but he has touched the whole family and we all look out for him. He loves tearing up stuff. I threw Tom's chair out on the patio for room for the Christmas tree. Wow, did he make short work of that. There is foam stuffing all over the neighborhood and then some. I love him dearly, I feel he is the only thing left nearest to you.

It is Christmas and needless to say everyone is thinking about you, I still get messages on Facebook from people missing you. I have made friends with your friends and I wish we could have had more of that when you were alive. You touched so many hearts my man, you would not have believed it if you were here.

I am your mother and I don't think anyone can understand how I feel, and I don't think they can. I set and look at your pictures and I am comforted by them, but also sad. Being selfish, as a mother just wishing I could hug you one more time.

I knew that car would kill you, and I should have said no, when you wanted it. But, you would have just rebelled, and I would never jeopardize our relationship we had, the one and only time I wish I had said "no".

Anyway, I hope and pray you are happy, just one little sign to let me know you are. I just have to believe the Lord for your eternal life now.

But, where ever you are, I feel I will be joining you shortly and that makes me feel better. Jenny and Patrick have a long life to live and remember you, I do feel for them. They loved there little brother, you have no idea.

I love you my sweet, and I can not wait to be with you. Merry Christmas.

Mom.

TRACK 02 What Christmas Means - SNIPPET

TRACK 02 What Christmas Means - SNIPPET

The holidays are going to be pretty tough without my Drew, who was killed in March of this year. Drew your birthday is just a couple of days away and your sister is having you a party, celebrating your life while we had you. Wish you were here, but I guess the Lord needed you more. 

I needed you more. My life will never be the same. I miss you so much my heart is forever broken, and I don't think anything can mend it. I love you my son. The 18 years I had you were amazing and I will never forget you.

Love mom. 

Letters to Drew

Hi Drew:

It's mom again. I just have to write to you, it is good therapy for me. I keep going over in my mind what happened to you that night. I can't process why or how you managed to wreck that car so badly. I knew something was not right two and one half hours before you died something was wrong. When you called me, you told me you loved me three times, and to take care of Nekoda. I came home and told Tom I  fell like I should have made you come home that night.

When I seen you lying on that hospital bed, with just a scratch on your face, I was in dis-belief. We all wanted you to come back so badly. How could you be gone forever, I had just talked to you. It seems to be hurting worse now then it did then.

There are no words to describe the hurt a mother feels when something like this happens. I remembered the night you were born, you looked at me like you knew me. Laying on that hospital bed you looked just like the little boy I gave birth to.

I sometimes wonder where were your guardian angels that night? We are suppose to have angels watching over us, so people say. You looked so peaceful, just like you were asleep. The reel keeps playing in my head over and over. I guess I will always miss you for the rest of the time I have on this earth. I just wanted you with me.

I just did not have enough time with you, it is not fair. How could this happen? Just know that I will always have you in my heart, and I can't wait till we see each other again, and walk on sandy beaches and watch the sunset.

I love you sweetie.

Mom

Time Part II

Let's see, where was I? In the essence of time Psalms 144:4 says, "for they are like a breadth of air; their days are like a passing shadow."  What we take for granted is the time we have on this earth, which is so short. We do not realize how short until the days when we get older and we see those around us starting to perish. That is when reality hits. Am I here for a long time? Sometimes I think I will take after my grandmother who lived to be in her 80's. The thought of that scares me more that if I knew I was leaving this earth tomorrow.

I pray I do not have to endure this earth no longer than needed. I think to myself I still have lots to do. Make scrapbooks for the kids and do my journalism to leave them a legacy. I also have to finish the book I started many years ago. I guess the Lord is not finished with me yet and I respect that. I just do not understand why he took Drew so early. He had plans too.

I know I am not the only one who has lost a child to an untimely death and  yes, I am on a pity party right now. But, I think I am worth that much, the process of grief comes in many forms and does not take place in any order, it just comes.

I can not help but ask myself, did I spend enough time with Drew? Did I do enough things with him? Did I make time for him? I built my world around my children, or I would not be where I am today. I gave up a good career to stay with them when they were little, be there when they got home from school.

But, there is always something to upset the balance of life, and those are the regrets we make for ourselves. People say don't live in the past or you cannot move forward. Well, after 52 years in this world, I think I deserve to live a little in the past right now. I may not stay there forever, but I am going to enjoy it while I can. Reflections when life was so simple and even. Yes, I just want to live in the past for a little while.

Letters to Drew

Dear Drew,

Hey boy this is your mom. I hope and pray you are in the presence of Jesus, with Granny and Pop and you cousin Michael. I miss you sweetie. Oh how I miss you.

I miss going outside on a clear night, like we used to do and gazing at the stars and picking out the constellations, and me telling you about the farm, how you would have loved it there. You love hunting and fishing and the smell of firewood burning. If only you had been born four decades earlier, you would have loved it. I miss telling you about your grandfather and the things he did in the military, that I knew very little of. That is where you got your desire for the army life I guess, you wanted so much to do your part. Sometimes I think maybe you left the earth earlier because of that. I don't think any of us have much longer on earth. You just went before us, and I guess that makes you lucky in a sense.

It sure does not make me feel any better. Remember when I told you if anything happened to you it would be the end of me. Well, I am still hanging in there, for what it is worth, but, life will never be the same for me. I find no joy in life hardly anymore, I don't like to do anything because you are not here to do it with me. I wanted to go to Savannah this fall, that was the last place I took you, when we went to Florida. But, I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Your not here.

I know I need to get over that. I do pray you are in a better place. But, I know how you loved life, and loved your friends. I just wish you could have been here a little longer with me. It seems like we did not get to do enough together. I had to always be studying, and for that I am really having a hard time concentrating in school. I think about you all the time, first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Sometimes I am at peace, and other times I feel like I am losing my mind.

I do hope you are happy Drew, some say you are just sleeping. But, I cannot find anywhere in the Bible where it talks of soul sleeping. I know it is just your body left here on earth, but my child, I wish I could talk to you one more time, just once more to make sure your OK. A mother thing I guess, but if there was one wish that I had, it would be to talk to you one more time.

After all, you here of phenomenal things happening all the time, why can't God grant one wish to grieving mothers? I will never know a lot of things till we can see each other again.

I knew something was up when you told me you met grandma in a beige suit one night in one of your dreams. No one would know that, and you asked me if grandma used to where suits. Then you dreamed of pop, saying he was laughing and shook your hand, asked how the twins were. Wow, that kind of sent chills down my back.

Anyway, I love you son, no matter what. I will never ever forget you.

Mom